Bloodbath

 

Half and Half

If there's no chance for my hopes and dreams, maybe I should advance my death.

It's so tiring having my wants and needs always being unmet.

I thought a good character and proper morals could make me one day wealthy.

But all this hard work didn't yield to my dreams coming true, it just made me empty.

-

I used to huff at a person who sold off their soul.

Now I somehow understand that it's what they felt that could make them whole.

Ironically, this makes them hallowed out because the world has eaten them away.

It's hard for underprivileged poor people to achieve anything without sacrifices along the way.

-

Another irony is that people with loose morals have a better life than me.

Why am I even working hard to do good when being evil is more free?

You hold the universe in your hands, how come my life is nowhere near fine?

Was I wrong to think that I'm one of yours, and that you are mine?

-

People who barely know you are blessed, favored with convenience from left to right.

While I'm left alone to wallow in despair, suffering and extreme fright.

Am I insignificant to be cared for by you?

Are your promises only applied to a select few?

-

I wish I was loved enough to be blessed with nice things.

But I'm only poked with fiery envy on my chest and it stings.

Lord, I don't have anything - I thought you would fill me!

But I've become worse - half empty but half full of acrimony.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 2, 2025 

Merely Surviving

Another year that I’m still here

Problems catching up behind me, I fear.

Am I supposed to learn something from this perpetual hardship

When I can’t even afford a house ownership?

-

Dying is massively more practical than living.

I’m so tired of a life wherein I’m merely surviving.

God can give blessings, but he can take away.

But what if you only had little to begin with, anyway?

-

They say hard work pays off, well, not in this generation and economy!

It’s not easy when you’re carrying something heavy on your shoulders – an entire family!

A dead father, a sick mother, and an unemployed brother.

To hope or dream about my own life and goals, I don’t have time to bother!

-

Sacrificing my own happiness, what do I even gain?

There’s only unending sorrow and agonizing pain.

Nothing. Nothing feels even the tiniest bit rewarding.

Tell me, God, why should I even go on living?

-

I know, I know – I should carry my cross every day.

But I’m no savior, it’s too heavy for me in every way.

I know you can bless other people, that ability is true.

Can you please, please, please do that for us too?

-

It’s just the beginning of the year and I already want my life to end.

I wish you’ll come to our aid and that favor; you’ll send.

I’m starting to think that others are right with life having no meaning.

That adversity has no lesson at times and is just sheer suffering.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 21, 2025

All I wanted by Paramore (cover)

 

Eldest Daughter

I’m the eldest daughter, I could probably afford to move out

If I didn’t have to feed other useless people’s mouth.

Ever incompetent, they always find ways to make things hard for me.

Hard to believe other people actually enjoy building a family.

-

A dead father meant I’m the new man of the house.

Oh great, more responsibilities I can endlessly browse.

How difficult to be an adult when I was only in my teens without any support or training.

Oh what a relief it would be to leave everyone by instantly dying.

-

Unfulfilled dreams, missed opportunities and wasted potential.

Need I say more to justify my inner mind being suicidal?

I can’t believe I envy people having things handed to them on a silver platter

Without having to even lift a finger to obtain things that don’t even matter.

-

I’m logical and efficient but being sandwiched by problems can take their toll.

A little more nudge and my head might actually roll.

I’d rather be alone than be locked in this cage,

Burning all the time from holding on to my boiling rage.

-

Life’s difficulties tend to find me within firing range.

I wonder what it’s like to have someone to rely on and take care of me for a change.

I desire solitude but it’s only because everyone has made me perpetually exhausted.

I only have one life but it’s so tiring to make sure it’s not painfully wasted.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 14, 2024