True love is helping get rid of evidence

 

No guts, no glory (or Valor)

 

Off in a world of her own

 

Venus Man Trap

 

Bloodbath

 

Running away from problems is running around in circles

 

Don't provoke quiet girls

 

Bare Howl

 

Beauty in Thorns

 

Empty Husk

I didn’t catch feelings; I’ve caught a disease.

My heart deceived me, I’m weak in the knees.

Even when I try to make you listen to what I say

I am merely dismissed in every way.

-

Should I busy myself just so I won’t dwell inside my head

To the point of exhaustion until I’m finally dead?

Why are we together if I’m not important to you?

You’re not doing anything special to make it look like  your love is true.

-

It’s been more than a decade, how long am I placed on hold?

When I raise this concern, I’m just thrown out into the cold.

Oh what a dream it is to just instantly die

Just so I wouldn’t need to prepare for a possible good bye.

-

Perhaps it’s unfortunate that we’ve ever met.

Because since then, my love for you has been set.

My loyalty, devotion and love didn’t bring me my desired result.

Instead, I’m left to wait uncertainly and shrug off this insult.

-

If only I can finally lose my heart and stop questioning if you care.

Hopefully by then, there won’t be any love for me to share.

By then I’ll be an empty husk but at least I’ll be free.

After all, I’m never certain if you’ll even try to chase after me.

-

I desired success but it’s failure that holds me down.

A foolish pauper thinking I could one day have a crown.

If this is all life can offer while I’m still here

Then I would just rather die to let go of all things I hold dear.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 21, 2024

 

Dreamscape

 

There's still light after darkness

 

Hoping

 

Wandering But Not Lost

 

Bitter and Black

I'm not the type of person who dances in the rain.

I tend to look at my life often with disdain.

The people in my life turn butterflies in my stomach into bile.

I just know deep down spending my life alone is much more worthwhile.

-

Why oh why Lord, did you have to bring me here?

Even your promise, purpose and will for me is so unclear.

I do what's best and that includes things that will honor you.

Yet the prayers that hurt me the most, none of it is coming true.

-

Maybe you should kill me now and get it over with.

Before I really become someone in your book who's unfit.

Or maybe you could take me to greener pastures for a change.

I'm sure blessing your daughter wouldn't be so strange.

-

I wonder how long ago did my heart started pumping something so bitter and black.

Maybe it's because of achievements and happiness that I lack.

It consumes me and almost all the time I wonder

If I am only here on earth just to suffer.

-

I'm serving you my cup of coffee; would you care to drink?

Will you save me? You know that my soul is quick to sink.

Decades of this life is enough for me to desire eternal rest.

I think I've had enough that I've burnt out my best.

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 14, 2023

 

Selfie

 

Crystal Fairy

 

Nails

Sometimes I want to die just so I can finally have some rest!

Being away from everyone and everything sounds absolutely the best.

It seems that from minor to major hardships, I want to give up.

Does that mean my faith in you shall fully stop?

-

But I do not want my life to just end that way!

I still pray to fulfill my purpose and look back on a meaningful life someday!

I thought being alone inside my head will make me fine.

But instead, I’m crushed by these heavy thoughts of mine.

-

I must be a masochist, letting myself endure so much pain.

I always think it must be a treasure, what I’ll gain.

I always work hard towards my goal and desired result.

I’m not even there yet and I’m tired. Is it all my fault?

-

Tell me God, do you like blessing other people but me?

They receive everything I want, sometimes even for free!

While here I am, aging and toiling away to death.

But I still want to look at all the promises you’ve kept.

-

Are these the same nails digging into my skin?

But I’m not like you, my patience is beyond wearing thin.

I know this life is evanescent, but still!

I hoped some dreams wouldn’t at least be too hard to fulfill.

-

Look at the people around me, they got their life together.

Mine is embarrassing and can cause hideous laughter.

I’m still trying to find my way out of this darkness.

Please don’t leave me to be devoured by this madness.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

May 30, 2023

 

Junior Hell

When will I get out of this junior hell?

I have zero zest for life, I'm sure you can tell.

The people around me seem to take me for granted.

This is never the life I prepared for or wanted.

-

Every day and in everything, I do my best.

But why oh why am I subjected to a difficult test.

In life, I'm trying to achieve the best attainable quality

But despite my efforts, it's still far from my reality.

-

Honestly, these aren't too much to ask of you!

After all, you're the one who brought me into this world too.

I don't think it's bad to ask for what will give me joy.

Surely, I wasn't created to be merely a little toy.

-

I'm so sad, tired and I feel like I've dried up all my tears.

My mind is drowned and devoured by so many fears.

Over the years, I'm losing the hope that I've kept.

This is the kind of life I could never want or accept.

-

I'm still praying, perhaps deep down, I refuse to give up?

I'm still hoping my hardships will be put to a stop.

Lord, please help me work on solutions in any way.

Then maybe I can still feel like living another day.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Apr. 1 2023

 

A bit of light and a bit of darkness