Sanity (demo) by Paramore - cover

 

Empty Husk

I didn’t catch feelings; I’ve caught a disease.

My heart deceived me, I’m weak in the knees.

Even when I try to make you listen to what I say

I am merely dismissed in every way.

-

Should I busy myself just so I won’t dwell inside my head

To the point of exhaustion until I’m finally dead?

Why are we together if I’m not important to you?

You’re not doing anything special to make it look like  your love is true.

-

It’s been more than a decade, how long am I placed on hold?

When I raise this concern, I’m just thrown out into the cold.

Oh what a dream it is to just instantly die

Just so I wouldn’t need to prepare for a possible good bye.

-

Perhaps it’s unfortunate that we’ve ever met.

Because since then, my love for you has been set.

My loyalty, devotion and love didn’t bring me my desired result.

Instead, I’m left to wait uncertainly and shrug off this insult.

-

If only I can finally lose my heart and stop questioning if you care.

Hopefully by then, there won’t be any love for me to share.

By then I’ll be an empty husk but at least I’ll be free.

After all, I’m never certain if you’ll even try to chase after me.

-

I desired success but it’s failure that holds me down.

A foolish pauper thinking I could one day have a crown.

If this is all life can offer while I’m still here

Then I would just rather die to let go of all things I hold dear.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 21, 2024

 

Dreamscape

 

My love mine all mine by Mitski (cover)

 

The Doom and Gloom

It's so easy for me to see the doom and gloom.

I won't easily notice the flowers that bloom.

I think I’d rather die than for my goals to become some sort of failure.

I am both obsessed and afraid for my desired future.

-

My heart’s so tired making room for people who “loves” without action.

Don’t be surprised by my obvious jaded reaction.

Maybe I’m just not as meant to be blessed as I initially thought.

Because all I see are blessings to other people you’ve brought.

-

My dreams are coming true in their lives but not in my own life.

My own doubts and fears are running uncontrollably rife.

It’s hard not to feel envy or shame.

Only problems after problems ever came.

-

When will misery stop enjoying my company?

Despite everything I do, I feel like a nobody.

I exert so much effort in everything I think, do, or say.

But I’m just so tired now it’s like I’m just wasting away.

-

Sometimes I dream of you, wiping away my tears.

I wish you’ll comfort me and not merely tickle my ears.

You’ve known me for so long but I feel like you haven’t done enough.

If only the life you’ve given me wouldn’t be so rough.

-

Do you see all my hard work that’s not even paying off?

My armor’s falling apart, leaving me weak and soft.

Please bless me in all the things that I can still try to do.

Tell me you’ll never leave or forsake me and prove that it’s true.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 7, 2023