Living a cliché

I’m the clay who’s starting to doubt her potter.

More than half the year’s gone but there’s still problem after another.

Suffering is supposed to be temporary but mine’s coming perpetually.

Have I been selected to be in hell ever so early?

-

Why, I thought you genuinely love me?

How come you don’t alleviate my constant misery?

My prayers, do they fall on deaf ears?

My hard work, do they mean nothing all these years?

-

I’m doing more than I should, but nothing’s rewarding.

Everyday death as escape is what I’ve been yearning.

Can you please tell me, do you enjoy watching me suffer?

Have I no right to a happy ever after?

-

When you come back, would you still be my master?

I can’t thrive in adversity, I’m actually losing faith faster.

Alone, always alone, carrying my cross and crushing my back.

Hope for tomorrow and my future, it’s now what I lack.

-

My thoughts, my consciousness are drowning me somewhere too deep.

Lord, can you please grant me this: just kill me in my sleep.

It should be fine, I’ve been alone all this time so no one would care.

I’m living a cliché, my life is so unfair.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 16, 2025

The Grime

Life as we know it has drastically changed.

How dare you oppose me when I'm righteously enraged.

We're all related by blood yet you've thrown us under the bus.

I never did anything wrong to any of you even when your only value to me were dust.

-

If I could legally dispose of you, I don’t mind doing it personally.

After all, it’s not like there’s any shortage in our family’s genealogy.

The very last trace of your life, I want to be the one to snuff them out.

You all lived too long enough with all your greed and debauchery that it made you stout.

-

I lost so much because of humans being typically vile, evil and all.

Like the kings in Chronicles, I want to plunder my enemies, make them suffer and fall.

Someone said I already have so much of what I want – wrong!

Some of what I want to do will end me in prison before long.

-

I’m expressing it all a tiny bit lest I end up insane.

Suppressing my violent and malevolent wrath has slightly numbed my pain.

If only I can act out my thoughts without any life-changing repercussions or a logical barrier.

I would be a criminal but ironically free from smothering my anger.

-

With my careful, organized and introspective nature, I’m unafraid of the crime.

I do fear getting caught and dragging my life further to the grime.

God, perhaps you should’ve returned earlier, is there still light in my eyes?

I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied until every last one of them dies.

-

How long do I pay for the consequences of someone else’s foolish and evil actions.

When will you provide these people justified sanctions?

I am bound to think, think, think about this all until my mind is torn asunder.

I frankly think the charge to multiply the evil-prone humanity is a blunder.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

April 16, 2025

Half and Half

If there's no chance for my hopes and dreams, maybe I should advance my death.

It's so tiring having my wants and needs always being unmet.

I thought a good character and proper morals could make me one day wealthy.

But all this hard work didn't yield to my dreams coming true, it just made me empty.

-

I used to huff at a person who sold off their soul.

Now I somehow understand that it's what they felt that could make them whole.

Ironically, this makes them hallowed out because the world has eaten them away.

It's hard for underprivileged poor people to achieve anything without sacrifices along the way.

-

Another irony is that people with loose morals have a better life than me.

Why am I even working hard to do good when being evil is more free?

You hold the universe in your hands, how come my life is nowhere near fine?

Was I wrong to think that I'm one of yours, and that you are mine?

-

People who barely know you are blessed, favored with convenience from left to right.

While I'm left alone to wallow in despair, suffering and extreme fright.

Am I insignificant to be cared for by you?

Are your promises only applied to a select few?

-

I wish I was loved enough to be blessed with nice things.

But I'm only poked with fiery envy on my chest and it stings.

Lord, I don't have anything - I thought you would fill me!

But I've become worse - half empty but half full of acrimony.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 2, 2025 

Merely Surviving

Another year that I’m still here

Problems catching up behind me, I fear.

Am I supposed to learn something from this perpetual hardship

When I can’t even afford a house ownership?

-

Dying is massively more practical than living.

I’m so tired of a life wherein I’m merely surviving.

God can give blessings, but he can take away.

But what if you only had little to begin with, anyway?

-

They say hard work pays off, well, not in this generation and economy!

It’s not easy when you’re carrying something heavy on your shoulders – an entire family!

A dead father, a sick mother, and an unemployed brother.

To hope or dream about my own life and goals, I don’t have time to bother!

-

Sacrificing my own happiness, what do I even gain?

There’s only unending sorrow and agonizing pain.

Nothing. Nothing feels even the tiniest bit rewarding.

Tell me, God, why should I even go on living?

-

I know, I know – I should carry my cross every day.

But I’m no savior, it’s too heavy for me in every way.

I know you can bless other people, that ability is true.

Can you please, please, please do that for us too?

-

It’s just the beginning of the year and I already want my life to end.

I wish you’ll come to our aid and that favor; you’ll send.

I’m starting to think that others are right with life having no meaning.

That adversity has no lesson at times and is just sheer suffering.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 21, 2025

Eldest Daughter

I’m the eldest daughter, I could probably afford to move out

If I didn’t have to feed other useless people’s mouth.

Ever incompetent, they always find ways to make things hard for me.

Hard to believe other people actually enjoy building a family.

-

A dead father meant I’m the new man of the house.

Oh great, more responsibilities I can endlessly browse.

How difficult to be an adult when I was only in my teens without any support or training.

Oh what a relief it would be to leave everyone by instantly dying.

-

Unfulfilled dreams, missed opportunities and wasted potential.

Need I say more to justify my inner mind being suicidal?

I can’t believe I envy people having things handed to them on a silver platter

Without having to even lift a finger to obtain things that don’t even matter.

-

I’m logical and efficient but being sandwiched by problems can take their toll.

A little more nudge and my head might actually roll.

I’d rather be alone than be locked in this cage,

Burning all the time from holding on to my boiling rage.

-

Life’s difficulties tend to find me within firing range.

I wonder what it’s like to have someone to rely on and take care of me for a change.

I desire solitude but it’s only because everyone has made me perpetually exhausted.

I only have one life but it’s so tiring to make sure it’s not painfully wasted.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 14, 2024

 

Miserable

The cost of living is so expensive that dying seems like a relief.

Thinking of my dreams and basic needs cause me grief.

A small home and a family of two,

That’s all I ask but can’t afford even at thirty-two.

-

I was only sixteen when my father passed away.

Life became difficult and bleak every single day.

Just when we’re starting to rise above, my mother became sick and incapable.

And my younger brother is now unemployed and useless, it makes me miserable.

-

The world just keeps getting heavier on my dislocated shoulder.

Can anyone tell me, how do I become more numb and colder?

Why do I still hold on, when all the good things are unattainable?

I just want to be free from my overwhelming thoughts and not be miserable.

-

My diligence, perseverance and hard work does not pay.

Even worse, I now question why I still pray.

So many people don’t know You but they have a better life than me.

My lack of success has made me perpetually cynical and unhappy.

-

I don’t have anyone or even anything.

What’s even the point of still existing?

Life is only great for those who waste it on foolishness and debauchery.

While I spend my fortune on the bare minimum and cheap mediocrity.

-

I wonder what it’s like to afford feeling special and important?

What’s it like not even noticing a problem as big as an elephant?

Ignorance is bliss for people having things handed to them on a silver platter.

While here I am, thinking everything I ever did and being alive don’t even matter.

-

Time waits for no one, but my low tier goals are still outside my reach.

What lesson is there that life is even trying to teach?

Sometimes I just want to give up and die as my efforts feel like they have no meaning.

I’m not sure how long I can even survive this pathetic feeling.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Oct. 26, 2024

Detained

I'm only wanted when I'm generous, hardworking and collected.

But not when I'm sad, angry and exhausted.

Even when I tolerate their incompetence, shortcomings and laziness,

I still come across as an arrogant "your highness."

-

Because of life's hardships, what became of me is unlikeable to most.

Well I don't exactly dream of being everyone's  welcoming host.

Just a reminder that I never even asked to be born anyway.

Nothing and no one feels like making me want to stay.

-

The only reservation is my possibly missed potential.

The future I long for seems reasonable and logical.

But lack of resources and support has made even the bare minimum unattained.

In this miserable life, how long must I be detained?

-

They're only with me because they need me.

I'd rather be alone, far away and free.

But the former keeps me from the latter, without me they'll die.

It may be an exaggeration but it's not a lie.

-

What do I get from all this, another world on my shoulder?

Please, I'd rather just be instantly crushed by a boulder.

This life and its "lessons" aren't getting me exactly far ahead.

This is why most of the time, I fantasize about being dead.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

June 22, 2024

Empty Husk

I didn’t catch feelings; I’ve caught a disease.

My heart deceived me, I’m weak in the knees.

Even when I try to make you listen to what I say

I am merely dismissed in every way.

-

Should I busy myself just so I won’t dwell inside my head

To the point of exhaustion until I’m finally dead?

Why are we together if I’m not important to you?

You’re not doing anything special to make it look like  your love is true.

-

It’s been more than a decade, how long am I placed on hold?

When I raise this concern, I’m just thrown out into the cold.

Oh what a dream it is to just instantly die

Just so I wouldn’t need to prepare for a possible good bye.

-

Perhaps it’s unfortunate that we’ve ever met.

Because since then, my love for you has been set.

My loyalty, devotion and love didn’t bring me my desired result.

Instead, I’m left to wait uncertainly and shrug off this insult.

-

If only I can finally lose my heart and stop questioning if you care.

Hopefully by then, there won’t be any love for me to share.

By then I’ll be an empty husk but at least I’ll be free.

After all, I’m never certain if you’ll even try to chase after me.

-

I desired success but it’s failure that holds me down.

A foolish pauper thinking I could one day have a crown.

If this is all life can offer while I’m still here

Then I would just rather die to let go of all things I hold dear.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 21, 2024

 

The Doom and Gloom

It's so easy for me to see the doom and gloom.

I won't easily notice the flowers that bloom.

I think I’d rather die than for my goals to become some sort of failure.

I am both obsessed and afraid for my desired future.

-

My heart’s so tired making room for people who “loves” without action.

Don’t be surprised by my obvious jaded reaction.

Maybe I’m just not as meant to be blessed as I initially thought.

Because all I see are blessings to other people you’ve brought.

-

My dreams are coming true in their lives but not in my own life.

My own doubts and fears are running uncontrollably rife.

It’s hard not to feel envy or shame.

Only problems after problems ever came.

-

When will misery stop enjoying my company?

Despite everything I do, I feel like a nobody.

I exert so much effort in everything I think, do, or say.

But I’m just so tired now it’s like I’m just wasting away.

-

Sometimes I dream of you, wiping away my tears.

I wish you’ll comfort me and not merely tickle my ears.

You’ve known me for so long but I feel like you haven’t done enough.

If only the life you’ve given me wouldn’t be so rough.

-

Do you see all my hard work that’s not even paying off?

My armor’s falling apart, leaving me weak and soft.

Please bless me in all the things that I can still try to do.

Tell me you’ll never leave or forsake me and prove that it’s true.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 7, 2023

Dead inside

There are times that I wish that I just never met you.

Because I’m not sure whether you love me the same way that I do.

As times goes by, I thought I’d be more secure.

But now most nights, my mind is numb from torture.

-

I’m already in hell but I didn’t think I could get dragged further.

My life’s grown so pathetic that I’ve become so bitter.

I’m so tired of taking charge and taking care of everything.

And you don’t even help to inspire me to keep on living.

-

What will happen to us, knowing we’re both dead inside?

Do you think our relationship can easily be cast aside?

If only it’s as easy as shutting down my heart, leaving just my head.

But by then, I’ll probably be as good as dead.

-

God, I wish you’d just spare me from all this pain and shame.

Everyday, in this world, I wish I never came.

Then I wouldn’t always be tired and disappointed over unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

And not meeting him would save me from heart ache, it seems.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 2, 2023

 

Swarming Flies

I thought I’d get used to these thoughts by now

That the pain it brings would lessen somehow.

Tell me, does your chest hurts too, when you think of good byes

Or is it only me who has tears in the eyes?

-

I did and changed it for the better as you requested.

I still kept planning for our future but now I’m exhausted.

No return from all my investment, hard work, and sacrifice.

Maybe deep inside, I’ll never be good enough in your eyes.

-

Ironic that you say I’m always perfect.

Yet my value to you feels lower than of an insect.

You adversely dismiss my feelings like they’re swarming flies.

I’m still waiting patiently until my love for you dies.

-

My undying loyalty and devotion to you,

Over the decade I know you know that it’s true.

How heavy my heart is that it’s always me taking initial action.

When my needs are expressed, sadly just causes unwanted friction.

-

You, and a part of me does think it might be all in my head.

If that’s true, why do I still constantly wish I was dead?

Life isn’t just unfair and unkind to you, you know.

But unlike you, I still dare work hard for my desired tomorrow.

-

I know expression isn’t your expertise but I wish it shows in what you do.

That you actually desire me to be in your life too.

But maybe you’ll just see this as unworthy or a desperate plea.

If only I knew that right from the start, then I’d leave you be.

-

Maybe I really am just not that important to you.

I wish I was gone, either way, I’ll never know if it’s true.

Like persistent flies, my love just won’t die even with a pesticide.

Continuing to love you, now feels more like suicide.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Sept. 21, 2023

 

 

 

Bitter and Black

I'm not the type of person who dances in the rain.

I tend to look at my life often with disdain.

The people in my life turn butterflies in my stomach into bile.

I just know deep down spending my life alone is much more worthwhile.

-

Why oh why Lord, did you have to bring me here?

Even your promise, purpose and will for me is so unclear.

I do what's best and that includes things that will honor you.

Yet the prayers that hurt me the most, none of it is coming true.

-

Maybe you should kill me now and get it over with.

Before I really become someone in your book who's unfit.

Or maybe you could take me to greener pastures for a change.

I'm sure blessing your daughter wouldn't be so strange.

-

I wonder how long ago did my heart started pumping something so bitter and black.

Maybe it's because of achievements and happiness that I lack.

It consumes me and almost all the time I wonder

If I am only here on earth just to suffer.

-

I'm serving you my cup of coffee; would you care to drink?

Will you save me? You know that my soul is quick to sink.

Decades of this life is enough for me to desire eternal rest.

I think I've had enough that I've burnt out my best.

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 14, 2023

 

Deadly Cold

A crumpled piece of paper,

A flower about to wither.

I wonder where I went wrong.

Like all of the above, I'm not that strong.

-

Is it possible to feel nothing and everything simultaneously?

I'm starting to regret ever taking my life so seriously.

All those years of hard work, I thought it would result to my dreams coming true

But it's all too far from that, no matter what I do.

-

I'm drowning again over a myriad of unwelcome feelings.

It makes me gravely envy successful human beings.

In every aspect it seems my life is falling apart.

I don't even know how to fix it or where to even start.

-

Am I not allowed to be upset over things you could've controlled?

Like unpredictable winds you're cool but then you turn deadly cold.

In troubles you're quick to forget the love that we shared.

It makes me doubt that you ever truly cared.

-

Life's already hard for both of us, I wish you'd go easy on me.

If only you'll offer comfort, loyalty and security.

Instead, you stab me with words that are present in my mind even on my happier days.

You, on the other hand, may be very angry but still unfazed.

-

Oh how my heart aches and yearns only for you every day.

But it's difficult for you to follow through with what you say.

Hence, I feel like I'm the only one who gives the best.

When will it be your turn and then my time to rest?

-

Why does it seem like I'm more hurt than you?

Is it because I give more than you do?

You would've thought that from all the years we have together

That by now you would've promised love forever.

-

I know I deserve the best for everything that I do.

But my heart knows no logic or how to forget you.

You don't even deserve any more of my tears.

I've already cried a sea of it over the years.

-

It seems my overwhelming sadness is taking its toll.

Dear death, come out, come out, and swallow me whole!

Maybe I'll only ever be loved by the one who created me

But the fact that I was born doesn't make me happy.

-

All my life I've been carrying it all on my shoulders yet they say it's all temporary.

All of it is still unresolved and unending, quite the contrary!

I just wish I could morally and legally leave everything and everyone behind.

Most of my miserable time, life has been perpetually unkind.

-

Giving up feels a lot easier than to be strong and carry on.

I don't want to be left behind; I want to be the one who will be gone.

At times, I also want to end it all but I'm afraid of what comes after.

I don't think I can deal with another possible disaster.

-

From a small matter, why'd it have to escalate so quickly?

I didn't know that your festered feelings spoken out loud could kill me.

Half of me still prays we can resolve this before you think of tossing me like a crumpled paper.

Can't you just be the sunlight that will not let me wither?

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 12, 2023

My Heart's Desires

I'm so tired and I wanted to give up on everything.

But you reach out your hand, the grip became everlasting!

I'm disgusted with my heart as dark as coal.

It is filled with nothing good and has a hole.

-

But why do you fill it with undeserved love?

Your blood is streaming down to fill it from above.

You're trying to set me free and that's the ultimate bliss!

But why do I instead tend to still find things amiss?

-

I'm caught between my high horse and having my face down the ground.

When will I be perfected like you so I can please you and not be hell bound?

I don't want to bring you shame and disappointment.

Change me to be perfect in whatever assignment.

-

The state of my life right now, is it merely the work of the enemy?

I don't want it to be my forever reality!

I want my life to have more than just constant exhaustion.

I want your love, peace and never-ending redemption.

-

I know I'm selfish, I'm asking so much from you.

But in this wilderness, you're the only one who can help me through.

And you're so big, you hold the universe in your hand!

From nothing you designed me so surely, only you can understand!

-

Are these part of your will, the desires of my heart?

It's hard to achieve, I don't even know how or where to start.

Oh this must be the irony of our free will.

Even the seemingly right desires and plans are hard to fulfill.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 5, 2023

Maggots

My mind is filled with thoughts of you.

They bring me joy but despair too.

I wish our lives were rather smooth

Because that itself is far from the truth.

-

I wanted you to fill the void in my heart

But you don't know how or where to start.

Your efforts and initiative - I waited ever so patiently.

A decade and some years passed by quietly.

-

But now maggots have reached through my skin.

Not fully aware that I was dying within.

All these festering feelings have my lungs drowning.

Is this necessary in the cross that I'm carrying?

-

My brave face is starting to deteriorate.

Being together - is that really not our fate?

I'm so lost and I feel that my hope for us grew dim.

I feel like our chance is now frighteningly slim.

-

If it's not 'meant to be' then let's make it to be!

But why does it feel like you put lesser efforts than me?

I'm doing everything for us, not just for my own ambitions

But you're not doing enough, based on my calculations.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Apr. 22, 2023

Junior Hell

When will I get out of this junior hell?

I have zero zest for life, I'm sure you can tell.

The people around me seem to take me for granted.

This is never the life I prepared for or wanted.

-

Every day and in everything, I do my best.

But why oh why am I subjected to a difficult test.

In life, I'm trying to achieve the best attainable quality

But despite my efforts, it's still far from my reality.

-

Honestly, these aren't too much to ask of you!

After all, you're the one who brought me into this world too.

I don't think it's bad to ask for what will give me joy.

Surely, I wasn't created to be merely a little toy.

-

I'm so sad, tired and I feel like I've dried up all my tears.

My mind is drowned and devoured by so many fears.

Over the years, I'm losing the hope that I've kept.

This is the kind of life I could never want or accept.

-

I'm still praying, perhaps deep down, I refuse to give up?

I'm still hoping my hardships will be put to a stop.

Lord, please help me work on solutions in any way.

Then maybe I can still feel like living another day.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Apr. 1 2023

 

Misanthrope's rope

The world is moving too fast, I got left behind.

I’m all alone in this world is what I find.

I’ve never felt so small deep inside.

I’d feel embarrassed or ashamed to confide.

-

Adjusting my standards just to make ends meet.

Only receiving the bare minimum in a life, I can’t cheat.

Maybe I deserve this cause I’m a self-absorbed, arrogant bitch.

No matter how hard I toil away, I don’t get rich.

-

It’s not like a simple life looks bad to me.

Just peer into my mind and heart, you will see.

In life, I just want something mine, stable and secured.

Instead, I get a family I didn’t create where I’m constantly tortured.

-

Now I’m the man of the house because our life didn’t give me a choice.

Being left alone and resting at times are my only chance to taste simple joys.

Witnessing and/or experiencing toxicity from relatives and even family.

And people still dare to wonder why I practice and engage in misanthropy.

-

Are my heart’s desires really hard to please?

If I can’t have them, I wish to cease.

Lord, help me see beyond this scope of darkness and give me hope.

I think I’m losing my mind; I’m nearing the end of my rope.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 4 2023

 

 

 

Ultimate Source

I wish I didn't fall in love, as being alone suits me the best

But now my will and entire being is put to the test.

If only I didn't meet the one I want to spend my life with

Because starting a family or buying a house, I can't afford it.

-

All my hard work is too slow to pay off.

I don't want to be incapable, underachieving and soft.

The pity I receive feels like I'm a laughing stock among my friends and peers.

The thought of such shame, I'd rather be alone and drown in my tears.

-

I'll do my best not to be haughty when I'm finally at the top!

It's just that I want to achieve my goals, I can't stop!

I want to have them before I turn to dust.

I feel like to be happy, fulfilling these things is a must.

-

I'm sorry, but isn't it you who designed me this way?

It seems in the purpose of my life, nothing goes smoothly, sad to say.

I'm sorry I feel discontented and anxious about my life's current state.

Surely in your hands, this won't be my last fate?

-

I don't want to resign myself to such a dim outlook.

Please don't let me be lonely when you close my book!

I still want to believe in you, I badly do!

I want to finish what you've started in me too.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 26, 2023

The Monsters Inside my Head

The monsters were never really under the bed.

Is dying the only way to get them out of my head?

Everyday within grows this dread.

Will I only find peace when I'm dead?

-

I try to focus on blessings to feel thankful

But when I see greater lives of others, I grow resentful.

All my life, I try and work hard to be successful.

In an ugly world, I just want a life that's beautiful.

-

When will my plans and dreams happen to me?

Am I going to be a loser for all eternity?

The blessings I receive suddenly feel like leftovers from charity.

Why do I keep inviting myself to this pity party?

-

I'm torn between giving up and holding on to my plans.

Overall, I'm aware that my future is in God's hands.

I like to believe he knows the very number of my hair strands.

And that he's not just a spectator watching from the stands.

-

I want to stay hopeful and have the will to live.

I hope I'm not someone the world finds easy to deceive.

I want to be someone ready for blessings to give and receive.

God, give me hope and help me to still believe.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 20 2023

Meaningless Slavery

How long will you make me wait?

Is our future together really not our fate?

Everyday, I wander and get lost in the wilderness,

Hating myself for ever desiring happiness.

-

The system of this world is so hard to live in!

My will to live is definitely wearing thin.

I'm bleeding inside from all the years of efforts and trying.

I just want a life that's simple, stable and self-sustaining.

-

I toil away with responsibilities for a family I didn't ask for.

Being there and helping out feels like a damn chore.

I'm in this cycle of unbreakable prison.

What am I supposed to gain from this seemingly endless season?

-

When will it be my time for success, a time to shine?

When I can genuinely say and feel like I'm doing fine.

I downgrade my goals just to make them achievable.

But they still feel like light - years unreachable.

-

But I have been a complete fool.

Have I really become money's tool?

I cannot have these beyond the grave!

I wish I could honor you with the blessings that you gave.

-

Why am I so anxious for tomorrow?

My heart's desires only lead me to sorrow.

Set me free from this meaningless slavery.

Help me manage my perspective and imagery.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 14, 2022