Half and Half

If there's no chance for my hopes and dreams, maybe I should advance my death.

It's so tiring having my wants and needs always being unmet.

I thought a good character and proper morals could make me one day wealthy.

But all this hard work didn't yield to my dreams coming true, it just made me empty.

-

I used to huff at a person who sold off their soul.

Now I somehow understand that it's what they felt that could make them whole.

Ironically, this makes them hallowed out because the world has eaten them away.

It's hard for underprivileged poor people to achieve anything without sacrifices along the way.

-

Another irony is that people with loose morals have a better life than me.

Why am I even working hard to do good when being evil is more free?

You hold the universe in your hands, how come my life is nowhere near fine?

Was I wrong to think that I'm one of yours, and that you are mine?

-

People who barely know you are blessed, favored with convenience from left to right.

While I'm left alone to wallow in despair, suffering and extreme fright.

Am I insignificant to be cared for by you?

Are your promises only applied to a select few?

-

I wish I was loved enough to be blessed with nice things.

But I'm only poked with fiery envy on my chest and it stings.

Lord, I don't have anything - I thought you would fill me!

But I've become worse - half empty but half full of acrimony.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 2, 2025 

Miserable

The cost of living is so expensive that dying seems like a relief.

Thinking of my dreams and basic needs cause me grief.

A small home and a family of two,

That’s all I ask but can’t afford even at thirty-two.

-

I was only sixteen when my father passed away.

Life became difficult and bleak every single day.

Just when we’re starting to rise above, my mother became sick and incapable.

And my younger brother is now unemployed and useless, it makes me miserable.

-

The world just keeps getting heavier on my dislocated shoulder.

Can anyone tell me, how do I become more numb and colder?

Why do I still hold on, when all the good things are unattainable?

I just want to be free from my overwhelming thoughts and not be miserable.

-

My diligence, perseverance and hard work does not pay.

Even worse, I now question why I still pray.

So many people don’t know You but they have a better life than me.

My lack of success has made me perpetually cynical and unhappy.

-

I don’t have anyone or even anything.

What’s even the point of still existing?

Life is only great for those who waste it on foolishness and debauchery.

While I spend my fortune on the bare minimum and cheap mediocrity.

-

I wonder what it’s like to afford feeling special and important?

What’s it like not even noticing a problem as big as an elephant?

Ignorance is bliss for people having things handed to them on a silver platter.

While here I am, thinking everything I ever did and being alive don’t even matter.

-

Time waits for no one, but my low tier goals are still outside my reach.

What lesson is there that life is even trying to teach?

Sometimes I just want to give up and die as my efforts feel like they have no meaning.

I’m not sure how long I can even survive this pathetic feeling.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Oct. 26, 2024

Detained

I'm only wanted when I'm generous, hardworking and collected.

But not when I'm sad, angry and exhausted.

Even when I tolerate their incompetence, shortcomings and laziness,

I still come across as an arrogant "your highness."

-

Because of life's hardships, what became of me is unlikeable to most.

Well I don't exactly dream of being everyone's  welcoming host.

Just a reminder that I never even asked to be born anyway.

Nothing and no one feels like making me want to stay.

-

The only reservation is my possibly missed potential.

The future I long for seems reasonable and logical.

But lack of resources and support has made even the bare minimum unattained.

In this miserable life, how long must I be detained?

-

They're only with me because they need me.

I'd rather be alone, far away and free.

But the former keeps me from the latter, without me they'll die.

It may be an exaggeration but it's not a lie.

-

What do I get from all this, another world on my shoulder?

Please, I'd rather just be instantly crushed by a boulder.

This life and its "lessons" aren't getting me exactly far ahead.

This is why most of the time, I fantasize about being dead.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

June 22, 2024

Empty Husk

I didn’t catch feelings; I’ve caught a disease.

My heart deceived me, I’m weak in the knees.

Even when I try to make you listen to what I say

I am merely dismissed in every way.

-

Should I busy myself just so I won’t dwell inside my head

To the point of exhaustion until I’m finally dead?

Why are we together if I’m not important to you?

You’re not doing anything special to make it look like  your love is true.

-

It’s been more than a decade, how long am I placed on hold?

When I raise this concern, I’m just thrown out into the cold.

Oh what a dream it is to just instantly die

Just so I wouldn’t need to prepare for a possible good bye.

-

Perhaps it’s unfortunate that we’ve ever met.

Because since then, my love for you has been set.

My loyalty, devotion and love didn’t bring me my desired result.

Instead, I’m left to wait uncertainly and shrug off this insult.

-

If only I can finally lose my heart and stop questioning if you care.

Hopefully by then, there won’t be any love for me to share.

By then I’ll be an empty husk but at least I’ll be free.

After all, I’m never certain if you’ll even try to chase after me.

-

I desired success but it’s failure that holds me down.

A foolish pauper thinking I could one day have a crown.

If this is all life can offer while I’m still here

Then I would just rather die to let go of all things I hold dear.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Feb. 21, 2024

 

The Doom and Gloom

It's so easy for me to see the doom and gloom.

I won't easily notice the flowers that bloom.

I think I’d rather die than for my goals to become some sort of failure.

I am both obsessed and afraid for my desired future.

-

My heart’s so tired making room for people who “loves” without action.

Don’t be surprised by my obvious jaded reaction.

Maybe I’m just not as meant to be blessed as I initially thought.

Because all I see are blessings to other people you’ve brought.

-

My dreams are coming true in their lives but not in my own life.

My own doubts and fears are running uncontrollably rife.

It’s hard not to feel envy or shame.

Only problems after problems ever came.

-

When will misery stop enjoying my company?

Despite everything I do, I feel like a nobody.

I exert so much effort in everything I think, do, or say.

But I’m just so tired now it’s like I’m just wasting away.

-

Sometimes I dream of you, wiping away my tears.

I wish you’ll comfort me and not merely tickle my ears.

You’ve known me for so long but I feel like you haven’t done enough.

If only the life you’ve given me wouldn’t be so rough.

-

Do you see all my hard work that’s not even paying off?

My armor’s falling apart, leaving me weak and soft.

Please bless me in all the things that I can still try to do.

Tell me you’ll never leave or forsake me and prove that it’s true.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 7, 2023

Dead inside

There are times that I wish that I just never met you.

Because I’m not sure whether you love me the same way that I do.

As times goes by, I thought I’d be more secure.

But now most nights, my mind is numb from torture.

-

I’m already in hell but I didn’t think I could get dragged further.

My life’s grown so pathetic that I’ve become so bitter.

I’m so tired of taking charge and taking care of everything.

And you don’t even help to inspire me to keep on living.

-

What will happen to us, knowing we’re both dead inside?

Do you think our relationship can easily be cast aside?

If only it’s as easy as shutting down my heart, leaving just my head.

But by then, I’ll probably be as good as dead.

-

God, I wish you’d just spare me from all this pain and shame.

Everyday, in this world, I wish I never came.

Then I wouldn’t always be tired and disappointed over unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

And not meeting him would save me from heart ache, it seems.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 2, 2023

 

Swarming Flies

I thought I’d get used to these thoughts by now

That the pain it brings would lessen somehow.

Tell me, does your chest hurts too, when you think of good byes

Or is it only me who has tears in the eyes?

-

I did and changed it for the better as you requested.

I still kept planning for our future but now I’m exhausted.

No return from all my investment, hard work, and sacrifice.

Maybe deep inside, I’ll never be good enough in your eyes.

-

Ironic that you say I’m always perfect.

Yet my value to you feels lower than of an insect.

You adversely dismiss my feelings like they’re swarming flies.

I’m still waiting patiently until my love for you dies.

-

My undying loyalty and devotion to you,

Over the decade I know you know that it’s true.

How heavy my heart is that it’s always me taking initial action.

When my needs are expressed, sadly just causes unwanted friction.

-

You, and a part of me does think it might be all in my head.

If that’s true, why do I still constantly wish I was dead?

Life isn’t just unfair and unkind to you, you know.

But unlike you, I still dare work hard for my desired tomorrow.

-

I know expression isn’t your expertise but I wish it shows in what you do.

That you actually desire me to be in your life too.

But maybe you’ll just see this as unworthy or a desperate plea.

If only I knew that right from the start, then I’d leave you be.

-

Maybe I really am just not that important to you.

I wish I was gone, either way, I’ll never know if it’s true.

Like persistent flies, my love just won’t die even with a pesticide.

Continuing to love you, now feels more like suicide.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Sept. 21, 2023

 

 

 

Bitter and Black

I'm not the type of person who dances in the rain.

I tend to look at my life often with disdain.

The people in my life turn butterflies in my stomach into bile.

I just know deep down spending my life alone is much more worthwhile.

-

Why oh why Lord, did you have to bring me here?

Even your promise, purpose and will for me is so unclear.

I do what's best and that includes things that will honor you.

Yet the prayers that hurt me the most, none of it is coming true.

-

Maybe you should kill me now and get it over with.

Before I really become someone in your book who's unfit.

Or maybe you could take me to greener pastures for a change.

I'm sure blessing your daughter wouldn't be so strange.

-

I wonder how long ago did my heart started pumping something so bitter and black.

Maybe it's because of achievements and happiness that I lack.

It consumes me and almost all the time I wonder

If I am only here on earth just to suffer.

-

I'm serving you my cup of coffee; would you care to drink?

Will you save me? You know that my soul is quick to sink.

Decades of this life is enough for me to desire eternal rest.

I think I've had enough that I've burnt out my best.

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 14, 2023

 

My Heart's Desires

I'm so tired and I wanted to give up on everything.

But you reach out your hand, the grip became everlasting!

I'm disgusted with my heart as dark as coal.

It is filled with nothing good and has a hole.

-

But why do you fill it with undeserved love?

Your blood is streaming down to fill it from above.

You're trying to set me free and that's the ultimate bliss!

But why do I instead tend to still find things amiss?

-

I'm caught between my high horse and having my face down the ground.

When will I be perfected like you so I can please you and not be hell bound?

I don't want to bring you shame and disappointment.

Change me to be perfect in whatever assignment.

-

The state of my life right now, is it merely the work of the enemy?

I don't want it to be my forever reality!

I want my life to have more than just constant exhaustion.

I want your love, peace and never-ending redemption.

-

I know I'm selfish, I'm asking so much from you.

But in this wilderness, you're the only one who can help me through.

And you're so big, you hold the universe in your hand!

From nothing you designed me so surely, only you can understand!

-

Are these part of your will, the desires of my heart?

It's hard to achieve, I don't even know how or where to start.

Oh this must be the irony of our free will.

Even the seemingly right desires and plans are hard to fulfill.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 5, 2023

Ultimate Source

I wish I didn't fall in love, as being alone suits me the best

But now my will and entire being is put to the test.

If only I didn't meet the one I want to spend my life with

Because starting a family or buying a house, I can't afford it.

-

All my hard work is too slow to pay off.

I don't want to be incapable, underachieving and soft.

The pity I receive feels like I'm a laughing stock among my friends and peers.

The thought of such shame, I'd rather be alone and drown in my tears.

-

I'll do my best not to be haughty when I'm finally at the top!

It's just that I want to achieve my goals, I can't stop!

I want to have them before I turn to dust.

I feel like to be happy, fulfilling these things is a must.

-

I'm sorry, but isn't it you who designed me this way?

It seems in the purpose of my life, nothing goes smoothly, sad to say.

I'm sorry I feel discontented and anxious about my life's current state.

Surely in your hands, this won't be my last fate?

-

I don't want to resign myself to such a dim outlook.

Please don't let me be lonely when you close my book!

I still want to believe in you, I badly do!

I want to finish what you've started in me too.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 26, 2023

Trying

 The life I have makes me feel tired of living.

The progress, so slow, there's hardly anything.

I can't help but feel my hope is draining.

My plans and dreams, when do I start achieving?

-

Life's too uncertain for me to be patiently waiting.

What if I die tomorrow, achieving nothing?

My mind and flesh, why must they desire everything?

It makes me feel like life's constantly disappointing.

-

Working hard to achieve what I'm dreaming.

But obstacles and problems are in my way,  grinning.

The madness of this world has got me thinking,

Why on earth am I even existing?

-

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for every blessing.

It's just that at times, hardships can be overbearing,

It overshadows what I can be grateful for, that I end up crying

To God, who I hope will comfort me for trying.

-

Sometimes it feels better to die now than go on sinning.

But God gives me the water that is life - giving.

Little by little,  life becomes worth living.

Surely with Him, life would be fulfilling.

- 

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

August 28, 2021

Clay

God gives and God really takes.

Maybe I'm punished for my sins and mistakes.

My heart is drowning in doubt and sorrow.

What will become of me tomorrow?

-

I want a new mind and heart, yearning after you.

So all your plans and purposes for me will come true.

But there's so many wants and worldly distractions all over the place.

It seems my soul is wired to keep falling from grace.

-

But life is cruel and imperfect, I desire to be in your temple.

But I'm stuck in a loop of sin and repentance just like your people.

How imperfect we are yet made in your likeness.

I pray in my lifetime that your holiness I can harness.

-

Tired and hopeless, I come seeking you.

I want to surrender everything too.

Refreshed by your grace, I hope after this, I won't forget.

Lest I end up in a loop again which will cause me regret.

-

My God! My free choice and will still leaves me lost.

Am I saved for nothing? I feel bad for Christ being the cost!

Make me surrender and mold me in your way.

Save me, my potter. I am your clay.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

May 11, 2021

My Only Sibling

 If only he didn't rely on intoxication

Whenever he couldn't handle a situation.

We're considerate of this "hobby" because he's family

But self-destruction isn't what we want to see.

-

All these years he kept his feelings all bottled up inside

Drowning in alcohol, but I see it as a weakness because of my pride.

A young and foolish self, oblivious to what I have done.

But after exploding now, boom! He's gone.

-

Arguments and quarrels, it all happened before,

Tallying it up as if I'm earning a score.

God knew the guilt was killing me in some of the years.

Now once again, I'm drowning in a sea of tears.

-

At times I  apologized, knowing my own mistake

Because losing him is more than I could take.

Even now he's very wrong, but I'm wiling to forgive and forget.

I don't want our relationship to drift away until death.

-

I'm afraid he'll ruin himself and end in hell someday.

So please Lord, please save him, I say.

Even though he truly and deeply hurt me,

I would rather be at peace because he's family.

-

But now he hates me, I'm no longer his sister.

A little flame that grew and devoured faster.

This time might've burned the bridge to my only sibling.

Please God, let it not be the ending.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 25, 2020

Help

 

God, I give up, I’m leaving the rest to you,

Nothing I’ll ever do is coming through.

Why am I ever born in such a horrible and toxic family?

Then you expect “love your neighbor” from me.

-

A toxic unteachable mother and a deceased father

Who brought death upon himself, what a bother.

Add an overly dramatic, alcoholic-victim-playing brother in the fray.

I dream of peace upon breaking away from all them someday.

-

I find solace in times of my solitude.

Suffering mental health, they’ve given me a multitude.

If only I can afford to live on my own

But it’s impossible even if all my savings are thrown.

-

I don’t know what to do with all this anger and resentment.

I thought it was sleeping and buried under deep cement.

But this demonic family just kept shoveling away,

Triggering me to explode when I tried to keep mum every day.

-

Ever since I was young, all I asked is for a happy family.

Now I want to leave them and make a real one for me.

But if I can’t marry the one I want it with,

Then a family consisting of myself alone is a better fit.

-

Why am I born into such a difficult state?

Please tell me, is this my fate?

Where is it? I beg you, please spare me some grace! I need your grace.

Are you going to kill me? Take my away, I want to see your face.

-

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to end it all.

I can’t even see a good future after all.

Am I only meant for suffering and sorrow?

That gives me no motivation to be alive tomorrow.

-

Why did they have to give birth to me?

Letting me die unborn would’ve been better for me.

Escapism isn’t what I usually promote

But in this case feels like the only antidote.

-

My thoughts and feelings written on paper

But not even that makes me feel better.

I miss the good old boring and neutral times.

Wherein I don’t have to think of sad little rhymes.

-

I emptied myself for now.

Before it all comes back again somehow.

Help me God, I beg you, please take it all away.

I don’t want to keep thinking of taking my own life someday.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 23, 2020

Harrowed

My life is tattered as my ripped jeans
An endless cycle of repeating from sins.
Being a failure at everything is how I feel.
I can't help feeling even though it's not real.
-
Feeling rejected, I look forward to my own death.
Lacking security, everything to me is a threat.
I trusted him but he said one thing and did the other.
I should've trusted you instead, Abba, Father
-
It's partly my fault then, each time I'm shattered.
I loved and trusted someone in my life, who truly mattered.
But all the wrongs he did are nailed to my head.
It's hard to forget, I still wished I was dead.
-
Forgiving is equally hard as forgetting.
Both of which are bringing me pain and suffering.
So many apologies but lesser obvious actions
Causing me to keep going back to my initial reactions.
-
If only these things didn't happen today
Then we could o back to what we were yesterday.
Please help me Lord, what must I learn from this?
My mind is already harrowed by this perishable disease.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
July 30 2019

My shallow heart

Only the wealthy can afford everything nice.
Happiness and the good life comes in an expensive price.
In reality, it's no one's fault that my life's not that way.
But I still shift the blame on those who made me exist anyway.
-
Why can't I just be content?
Getting everything I want is my internal intent.
I wish my heart would stop yearning for more
Because if I don't achieve them, I don't want to live anymore.
-
Why, my heart are you so shallow?
God's love suddenly feels too hard to swallow.
My selfishness and sorrow, please take it away!
So I can genuinely praise and worship you everyday.
-
I question the plans you have for me
Just because I don't get them instantly.
I become more and more of a disappointment to you.
I pray instead that your better plans for me will come true.
-
Do you still love me? I know that you do.
But it doesn't feel enough, which is sad but true.
All day long I wallow in misguided desires and self-pity.
If this drags on, will I even make it to thirty?
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
Mar. 9 2019 

Misgivings

We're almost ten years together
And you're more complacent than ever.
But little by little I am losing that fire
Because I have other things that I desire.

Why must I be careful from now on upon treading
Along the path to the person whom I was fine loving?
Is it because it is no longer the same all these years
For there are too many shed tears?

Despite it all I would not be here if it was not for my feelings.
But now I am uncertain of our future, drowning in misgivings.
How long must I keep being adrift in this empty sea of waiting?
Are my prayers throughout the years all for nothing?

My hope is a flame in the midst of a snowy storm.
My heart is shattering from its normal form.
My God, what happened to the plans you have for me?
I need some assurance and comfort for my destiny.

I am trying my best not to break.
Being happy is absolutely fake.
I know I shouldn't worry about my tomorrow,
But I can't help it since I am constricted by sorrow.

Fighting and more endless arguments,
It seems we are completely splintered fragments
Of our former selves, which were in better days.
Are we best to go on our separate ways?

The pain of these thoughts are making me sick.
Losing everything will turn me weak.
My God, I have no one else to turn to.
Help my earnest prayers to come true.


Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
Feb 16 2019

Evil at work

I can't believe that I'm trying to be nice

But there are idiots around me, so no dice.

They make up rules and processes written on sand

That's why no one actually follows. It's out of hand!

-

I don't want to conform to their wrong tradition

But I can't stand up because they'll call it "rebellion"

I've been bonded to them for so long,

Sometimes I already forget what's right from wrong.

-

Their eyes are watching and ready to pounce

If I make  a mistake, they might announce

The errors hidden that they're excited to reveal.

Of course lies from the authorities are seemingly real.

-

O Lord My God, I'm troubled deeply.

They're pulling me down, please uplift me.

You were the one who placed me here.

You're the one who holds me dear.

 -

Enemies surround me from left to right.

All I feel is deep anger and fright.

So many changes that I'm not prepared for.

These are the days I can't take it anymore.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

January 14, 2019

Drunk in sin

I want to stop hurting you,

But the opposite is what I do.

My faith and actions are contradicting,

Inside my head, a lot is happening.

-

Other people are hurt by me,

I'm so evil because it made me happy.

Just to release all my wrath,

I keep going down the wrong path.

-

It bothers me that I keep doing wrong,

And always wanting to be strong.

Power and wealth are the desires of my heart,

And now I'm afraid we're drifting apart.

-

What exactly have I ever accomplished

From living in fear and anger that's never finished?

I'm tired of being always sad and angry,

But my worries are always taking over me.

-

I want to honor and obey you fully,

But my faith needs to be stronger deeply

Or else I'll end up doing the same  things over and over,

Drunk in sin and will never be sober.

-

Copyright Star Ashley Cruz

August 18, 2018