Withering

I envy people who are evidently loved and treasured.

Whereas I only exist to take care of others while pressured.

I pay for everything, do everything without help – I’m basically a slave.

They’re full of shit and oh so useless, the family that you gave.

-

I wonder what it’s like to never work hard and still have everything?

These people, I can’t believe they have the audacity to consider anything boring.

Why do I even put on so much effort to survive a life I don’t even like?

Waking up to the reality of being alive is bad for my psyche.

-

Finding the will to live is hard when you hardly have rest.

My life is only filled with challenges, like I always had to ace a test.

I wish survival mode had a pause button to actually enjoy anything.

Time flies by and all this toiling away left me old and withering.

-

I’m not naïve, I’m fully aware of the cross I need to carry.

But please, how about a break? It’s just too many.

I know you love me but how about helping me achieve my dreams?

I can’t help envy people who achieve them effortlessly it seems!

-

Floating in a sea of people, yet I feel alone.

Drowning in my thoughts, is this for my sins to atone?

Been searching and yearning for my life’s purpose and meaning

But all this just sapped the hope of my whole being.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Oct. 4, 2025 

Living a cliché

I’m the clay who’s starting to doubt her potter.

More than half the year’s gone but there’s still problem after another.

Suffering is supposed to be temporary but mine’s coming perpetually.

Have I been selected to be in hell ever so early?

-

Why, I thought you genuinely love me?

How come you don’t alleviate my constant misery?

My prayers, do they fall on deaf ears?

My hard work, do they mean nothing all these years?

-

I’m doing more than I should, but nothing’s rewarding.

Everyday death as escape is what I’ve been yearning.

Can you please tell me, do you enjoy watching me suffer?

Have I no right to a happy ever after?

-

When you come back, would you still be my master?

I can’t thrive in adversity, I’m actually losing faith faster.

Alone, always alone, carrying my cross and crushing my back.

Hope for tomorrow and my future, it’s now what I lack.

-

My thoughts, my consciousness are drowning me somewhere too deep.

Lord, can you please grant me this: just kill me in my sleep.

It should be fine, I’ve been alone all this time so no one would care.

I’m living a cliché, my life is so unfair.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 16, 2025

Detained

I'm only wanted when I'm generous, hardworking and collected.

But not when I'm sad, angry and exhausted.

Even when I tolerate their incompetence, shortcomings and laziness,

I still come across as an arrogant "your highness."

-

Because of life's hardships, what became of me is unlikeable to most.

Well I don't exactly dream of being everyone's  welcoming host.

Just a reminder that I never even asked to be born anyway.

Nothing and no one feels like making me want to stay.

-

The only reservation is my possibly missed potential.

The future I long for seems reasonable and logical.

But lack of resources and support has made even the bare minimum unattained.

In this miserable life, how long must I be detained?

-

They're only with me because they need me.

I'd rather be alone, far away and free.

But the former keeps me from the latter, without me they'll die.

It may be an exaggeration but it's not a lie.

-

What do I get from all this, another world on my shoulder?

Please, I'd rather just be instantly crushed by a boulder.

This life and its "lessons" aren't getting me exactly far ahead.

This is why most of the time, I fantasize about being dead.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

June 22, 2024

The Doom and Gloom

It's so easy for me to see the doom and gloom.

I won't easily notice the flowers that bloom.

I think I’d rather die than for my goals to become some sort of failure.

I am both obsessed and afraid for my desired future.

-

My heart’s so tired making room for people who “loves” without action.

Don’t be surprised by my obvious jaded reaction.

Maybe I’m just not as meant to be blessed as I initially thought.

Because all I see are blessings to other people you’ve brought.

-

My dreams are coming true in their lives but not in my own life.

My own doubts and fears are running uncontrollably rife.

It’s hard not to feel envy or shame.

Only problems after problems ever came.

-

When will misery stop enjoying my company?

Despite everything I do, I feel like a nobody.

I exert so much effort in everything I think, do, or say.

But I’m just so tired now it’s like I’m just wasting away.

-

Sometimes I dream of you, wiping away my tears.

I wish you’ll comfort me and not merely tickle my ears.

You’ve known me for so long but I feel like you haven’t done enough.

If only the life you’ve given me wouldn’t be so rough.

-

Do you see all my hard work that’s not even paying off?

My armor’s falling apart, leaving me weak and soft.

Please bless me in all the things that I can still try to do.

Tell me you’ll never leave or forsake me and prove that it’s true.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 7, 2023

Dead inside

There are times that I wish that I just never met you.

Because I’m not sure whether you love me the same way that I do.

As times goes by, I thought I’d be more secure.

But now most nights, my mind is numb from torture.

-

I’m already in hell but I didn’t think I could get dragged further.

My life’s grown so pathetic that I’ve become so bitter.

I’m so tired of taking charge and taking care of everything.

And you don’t even help to inspire me to keep on living.

-

What will happen to us, knowing we’re both dead inside?

Do you think our relationship can easily be cast aside?

If only it’s as easy as shutting down my heart, leaving just my head.

But by then, I’ll probably be as good as dead.

-

God, I wish you’d just spare me from all this pain and shame.

Everyday, in this world, I wish I never came.

Then I wouldn’t always be tired and disappointed over unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

And not meeting him would save me from heart ache, it seems.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 2, 2023

 

Swarming Flies

I thought I’d get used to these thoughts by now

That the pain it brings would lessen somehow.

Tell me, does your chest hurts too, when you think of good byes

Or is it only me who has tears in the eyes?

-

I did and changed it for the better as you requested.

I still kept planning for our future but now I’m exhausted.

No return from all my investment, hard work, and sacrifice.

Maybe deep inside, I’ll never be good enough in your eyes.

-

Ironic that you say I’m always perfect.

Yet my value to you feels lower than of an insect.

You adversely dismiss my feelings like they’re swarming flies.

I’m still waiting patiently until my love for you dies.

-

My undying loyalty and devotion to you,

Over the decade I know you know that it’s true.

How heavy my heart is that it’s always me taking initial action.

When my needs are expressed, sadly just causes unwanted friction.

-

You, and a part of me does think it might be all in my head.

If that’s true, why do I still constantly wish I was dead?

Life isn’t just unfair and unkind to you, you know.

But unlike you, I still dare work hard for my desired tomorrow.

-

I know expression isn’t your expertise but I wish it shows in what you do.

That you actually desire me to be in your life too.

But maybe you’ll just see this as unworthy or a desperate plea.

If only I knew that right from the start, then I’d leave you be.

-

Maybe I really am just not that important to you.

I wish I was gone, either way, I’ll never know if it’s true.

Like persistent flies, my love just won’t die even with a pesticide.

Continuing to love you, now feels more like suicide.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Sept. 21, 2023

 

 

 

There's still light after darkness

 

Hoping

 

Deadly Cold

A crumpled piece of paper,

A flower about to wither.

I wonder where I went wrong.

Like all of the above, I'm not that strong.

-

Is it possible to feel nothing and everything simultaneously?

I'm starting to regret ever taking my life so seriously.

All those years of hard work, I thought it would result to my dreams coming true

But it's all too far from that, no matter what I do.

-

I'm drowning again over a myriad of unwelcome feelings.

It makes me gravely envy successful human beings.

In every aspect it seems my life is falling apart.

I don't even know how to fix it or where to even start.

-

Am I not allowed to be upset over things you could've controlled?

Like unpredictable winds you're cool but then you turn deadly cold.

In troubles you're quick to forget the love that we shared.

It makes me doubt that you ever truly cared.

-

Life's already hard for both of us, I wish you'd go easy on me.

If only you'll offer comfort, loyalty and security.

Instead, you stab me with words that are present in my mind even on my happier days.

You, on the other hand, may be very angry but still unfazed.

-

Oh how my heart aches and yearns only for you every day.

But it's difficult for you to follow through with what you say.

Hence, I feel like I'm the only one who gives the best.

When will it be your turn and then my time to rest?

-

Why does it seem like I'm more hurt than you?

Is it because I give more than you do?

You would've thought that from all the years we have together

That by now you would've promised love forever.

-

I know I deserve the best for everything that I do.

But my heart knows no logic or how to forget you.

You don't even deserve any more of my tears.

I've already cried a sea of it over the years.

-

It seems my overwhelming sadness is taking its toll.

Dear death, come out, come out, and swallow me whole!

Maybe I'll only ever be loved by the one who created me

But the fact that I was born doesn't make me happy.

-

All my life I've been carrying it all on my shoulders yet they say it's all temporary.

All of it is still unresolved and unending, quite the contrary!

I just wish I could morally and legally leave everything and everyone behind.

Most of my miserable time, life has been perpetually unkind.

-

Giving up feels a lot easier than to be strong and carry on.

I don't want to be left behind; I want to be the one who will be gone.

At times, I also want to end it all but I'm afraid of what comes after.

I don't think I can deal with another possible disaster.

-

From a small matter, why'd it have to escalate so quickly?

I didn't know that your festered feelings spoken out loud could kill me.

Half of me still prays we can resolve this before you think of tossing me like a crumpled paper.

Can't you just be the sunlight that will not let me wither?

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 12, 2023

Maggots

My mind is filled with thoughts of you.

They bring me joy but despair too.

I wish our lives were rather smooth

Because that itself is far from the truth.

-

I wanted you to fill the void in my heart

But you don't know how or where to start.

Your efforts and initiative - I waited ever so patiently.

A decade and some years passed by quietly.

-

But now maggots have reached through my skin.

Not fully aware that I was dying within.

All these festering feelings have my lungs drowning.

Is this necessary in the cross that I'm carrying?

-

My brave face is starting to deteriorate.

Being together - is that really not our fate?

I'm so lost and I feel that my hope for us grew dim.

I feel like our chance is now frighteningly slim.

-

If it's not 'meant to be' then let's make it to be!

But why does it feel like you put lesser efforts than me?

I'm doing everything for us, not just for my own ambitions

But you're not doing enough, based on my calculations.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Apr. 22, 2023

Desperately

 I don't want just anyone's attention, I only want yours.

I don't want it to feel like I'm giving you chores.

I want it genuine and flowing naturally.

I want it mine always and for eternity.

-

If only you want it as badly as me

Then maybe you'll also pray for it as desperately.

So many dreams I have and you're such a big part of it!

It hurts me that sometimes I feel that in yours, I don't fit.

-

I have one life to live and I want to spend it with you.

I'm working really hard to make all these dreams come true.

Don't worry, I appreciate your efforts and ways.

It's just that I worry for us for the rest of our days.

-

It's hard to concentrate in the present somehow.

Because I yearn for our future to experience it now.

It's when we have all these things we want and need.

But it wears me out to feel like I'm the only one taking lead.

-

I'm sorry for pushing you with my own vision and dream.

I knew we're supposed to be working as a team.

I just don't want anything to stand in the way of us being together.

I hope you'll feel the same way too from now to forever.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 27, 2022

My Grip

I always run to you, I sprint so fast.

Because time on earth may not last.

We'll never be certain of tomorrow or the next day

So I want to love you in every way.

-

There are some things holding me back.

They torture me in every attack.

Each time our future is something to worry for.

Then our present joy - I can't enjoy anymore.

-

Before life or the world ends, I want us to be together.

Nothing really lasts but I want us to make our own forever.

I hope you'll be prompted by the same desire as me.

Does it all now makes sense why I'm always in a hurry?

-

I'm holding on, but sometimes my grip is slipping.

Sometimes I want to give up, but still end up resisting.

I'm reminded that you too are a victim of life's afflictions.

Whenever I realize that, I want to fill you with care and affections.

-

I always pray for God to lay our future's groundwork and be our firm foundation.

And for us to witness together its long-awaited fruition.

I pray and hope to spend the rest of my life with you.

Do you have the same longing and dream as much as I do?

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Aug. 12, 2022

Absence

It feels like it’s better when I’m not around.

Should I disappear and never be found?

Really, I don’t mind, I’m not hurt.

I’m getting used to being treated like dirt.

-

Being away from me, are you thrilled?

Would you be relieved if I was killed?

I don’t know where or what we are anymore.

I lied; everything hurts badly to the core.

-

Could it be that you are already tired of me,

Even when I love and care for you endlessly?

I too, get tired, telling you how I want to be treated.

That in itself, the purpose is defeated.

-

I wish you’d show more love in both word and action

And that you’ll never again lie, even by a fraction.

Because that’s what made it hard to trust you in your absence.

I don’t even know when you will ease me with your presence.

-

Would you miss me if I was actually the one,

Who is absent and even possibly gone?

I keep praying for some comfort and clarification

And never again to drown in this kind of situation.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 25, 2020

Run again

Problems of today will be long gone tomorrow

Because of you who wipes away my sorrow.

Your grace keeps me living every day.

It helps me look forward to being with you someday.

-

I don't deserve it, but you bless me still.

All my hopes and dreams only you can fulfill.

How can I ask you so confidently?

How can I come to your throne so boldly?

-

It's because you have cleansed me.

Not only that, you saved me!

When life seems overwhelming, I'll run again towards you,

Thank you for loving me, I love you too.

-

I hope my faith will be stronger than my fear.

Don't ever leave me, only you can wipe my every tear.

I hope everything I do will be pleasing to you.

I pray I'll honor you with anything I do.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan 17, 2020

Cracks to shattered glass

Genuine happiness is hard to find
When bad things you did are on my mind.
You kept doing things I said really hurt.
It feels like you're treating me like dirt.
-
I can no longer trust the things you say,
That you suddenly have plans to be together someday.
My trust went from cracks to shattered glass.
When I became difficult,you threw me away like trash.
-
I feel treated less than I deserve
While I loved and cared for you without reserve.
Our shared memories went to flames and dust
All because you kept breaking my trust.
-
Everything I knew and thought about you
Was it all my delusions and none were true?
If only you'll genuinely make up for all the pain I endured
Then maybe someday I can finally be cured.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
Oct. 19, 2019

Harrowed

My life is tattered as my ripped jeans
An endless cycle of repeating from sins.
Being a failure at everything is how I feel.
I can't help feeling even though it's not real.
-
Feeling rejected, I look forward to my own death.
Lacking security, everything to me is a threat.
I trusted him but he said one thing and did the other.
I should've trusted you instead, Abba, Father
-
It's partly my fault then, each time I'm shattered.
I loved and trusted someone in my life, who truly mattered.
But all the wrongs he did are nailed to my head.
It's hard to forget, I still wished I was dead.
-
Forgiving is equally hard as forgetting.
Both of which are bringing me pain and suffering.
So many apologies but lesser obvious actions
Causing me to keep going back to my initial reactions.
-
If only these things didn't happen today
Then we could o back to what we were yesterday.
Please help me Lord, what must I learn from this?
My mind is already harrowed by this perishable disease.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
July 30 2019

Today's sorrow (eight stanzas for our eight years)

Are you waiting for me to get tired too?

Because all these years, you have nothing planned to do.

It seems I'm the only one dreaming of forever.

I feel unappreciated but look, we're still together.

-

You push me away as if we're not together for years.

The things you say bring me heartache and tears.

My mistakes are taken in while I overlook yours.

You don't do anything so I take charge and enforce.

-

When you say that you explode too, then what about me?

You looked at someone else the third time so I can't leave you be.

I feel more irrelevant and worthless than I have ever been

Even as you proclaim that it's "nothing" and just a "little" sin.

-

It feels I am not worth keeping at all.

My complacency and confidence is starting to fall.

When you said you love me, I thought I am the only one

And that you planned to make an effort to get our dreams done.

-

I pray to God about you night and day

So I thought you'd do and feel the same way.

I've had a  lump in my throat even as we're happy through the years.

And when I released it, the reality of what's happening increased my fears.

-

I can't believe that I trusted and loved you the most

And that our relationship was something I used to boast.

Now I'm not sure of what will happen tomorrow

For I can't even get over today's sorrow.

-

I'm still uncertain of your love for me

Because of all that's happening currently.

Even though you somehow answered all my questions,

I'm still drowning in doubt and hesitations.

-

I too, want the "old us" back.

But my trust for you is no longer intact.

Maybe it's your turn to make the first move for I want to be on a break.

I hope by this time you'll make a steadfast effort for our relationship's sake.

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

July 1, 2019

Misgivings

We're almost ten years together
And you're more complacent than ever.
But little by little I am losing that fire
Because I have other things that I desire.

Why must I be careful from now on upon treading
Along the path to the person whom I was fine loving?
Is it because it is no longer the same all these years
For there are too many shed tears?

Despite it all I would not be here if it was not for my feelings.
But now I am uncertain of our future, drowning in misgivings.
How long must I keep being adrift in this empty sea of waiting?
Are my prayers throughout the years all for nothing?

My hope is a flame in the midst of a snowy storm.
My heart is shattering from its normal form.
My God, what happened to the plans you have for me?
I need some assurance and comfort for my destiny.

I am trying my best not to break.
Being happy is absolutely fake.
I know I shouldn't worry about my tomorrow,
But I can't help it since I am constricted by sorrow.

Fighting and more endless arguments,
It seems we are completely splintered fragments
Of our former selves, which were in better days.
Are we best to go on our separate ways?

The pain of these thoughts are making me sick.
Losing everything will turn me weak.
My God, I have no one else to turn to.
Help my earnest prayers to come true.


Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
Feb 16 2019

"What's wrong?"

I don't wanna write you another song,

because it will only feel very wrong.

Flowers and chocolates would be asking too much

And you'll feel pressured and stressed by such.

-

"What's wrong?'' You're always asking,

Aren't you tired of not listening?

All these things for someone you love ,

Must I pray for, beyond the skies above?

-

I thought that you really love me

So giving me what I ask is easy,

But why does it seem like a burden to you,

To make some of my wishes come true?

-

Simple things and requests to make me and you happy,

Is it such a heavy burden to carry?

Things that show how much you love and care,

I wish didn't give you so much scare.

-

I wrote this letter and poem but I didn't feel sorry,

Because I've agonized on the same hundredth apology

But I don't believe that I have done wrong,

Because all I've asked are things to make this relationship strong.

-

I honestly don't know what to do.

Can we ever get our love through?

I wish you'll help me fix all this mess

And not end up loving me less.

-

Now I hope you understand my point of view

And you'll stop being angry at me too.

To prevent everything in us to fall apart,

please give me an answer that will not break my heart.

-

Copyright Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 22,2014

"Walking Anarchy (Wayward daughter)"

You have driven me down the mud,
I pray for your destruction by my God.
Upon yourselves, you have brought this,
Anarchy, deceit and death in my list.
-
Indeed you have twisted my kindness,
Now I wallow in this very madness.
If only I can shed your blood.
For all the good you've shown is fraud.
-
Die!Die!Die! Let hell swallow you up,
Be in the devil's drinking cup.
Forever you will die in torment and torture
And I drank it all, all of it, the only cure.
-
I want to see your skin ripped apart,
Feed your organs to the dogs and smash your heart,
You and yur family to die infront of your eyes,
For you are filthy, all of you are lies.
-
My Father will forgive me though I have sinned.
He knows everything that he has also seen,
That you are all evil and have fed me,
that same medicine, but I am not worthy.
-
I will be cleansed once again,
I'll be back to my normal self by then.
But all of you would be annihilated by that time
For humiliating me is an unforgivable crime.
-
I am now the walking anarchy,
Only the Christ can ever save me
For I knowHe loves his wayward daughter,
Even at times she loses her laughter.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
November 8 2014