Trying

 The life I have makes me feel tired of living.

The progress, so slow, there's hardly anything.

I can't help but feel my hope is draining.

My plans and dreams, when do I start achieving?

-

Life's too uncertain for me to be patiently waiting.

What if I die tomorrow, achieving nothing?

My mind and flesh, why must they desire everything?

It makes me feel like life's constantly disappointing.

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Working hard to achieve what I'm dreaming.

But obstacles and problems are in my way,  grinning.

The madness of this world has got me thinking,

Why on earth am I even existing?

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Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for every blessing.

It's just that at times, hardships can be overbearing,

It overshadows what I can be grateful for, that I end up crying

To God, who I hope will comfort me for trying.

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Sometimes it feels better to die now than go on sinning.

But God gives me the water that is life - giving.

Little by little,  life becomes worth living.

Surely with Him, life would be fulfilling.

- 

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

August 28, 2021

Help

 

God, I give up, I’m leaving the rest to you,

Nothing I’ll ever do is coming through.

Why am I ever born in such a horrible and toxic family?

Then you expect “love your neighbor” from me.

-

A toxic unteachable mother and a deceased father

Who brought death upon himself, what a bother.

Add an overly dramatic, alcoholic-victim-playing brother in the fray.

I dream of peace upon breaking away from all them someday.

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I find solace in times of my solitude.

Suffering mental health, they’ve given me a multitude.

If only I can afford to live on my own

But it’s impossible even if all my savings are thrown.

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I don’t know what to do with all this anger and resentment.

I thought it was sleeping and buried under deep cement.

But this demonic family just kept shoveling away,

Triggering me to explode when I tried to keep mum every day.

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Ever since I was young, all I asked is for a happy family.

Now I want to leave them and make a real one for me.

But if I can’t marry the one I want it with,

Then a family consisting of myself alone is a better fit.

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Why am I born into such a difficult state?

Please tell me, is this my fate?

Where is it? I beg you, please spare me some grace! I need your grace.

Are you going to kill me? Take my away, I want to see your face.

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Sometimes, I feel like I just want to end it all.

I can’t even see a good future after all.

Am I only meant for suffering and sorrow?

That gives me no motivation to be alive tomorrow.

-

Why did they have to give birth to me?

Letting me die unborn would’ve been better for me.

Escapism isn’t what I usually promote

But in this case feels like the only antidote.

-

My thoughts and feelings written on paper

But not even that makes me feel better.

I miss the good old boring and neutral times.

Wherein I don’t have to think of sad little rhymes.

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I emptied myself for now.

Before it all comes back again somehow.

Help me God, I beg you, please take it all away.

I don’t want to keep thinking of taking my own life someday.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 23, 2020

Today's sorrow (eight stanzas for our eight years)

Are you waiting for me to get tired too?

Because all these years, you have nothing planned to do.

It seems I'm the only one dreaming of forever.

I feel unappreciated but look, we're still together.

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You push me away as if we're not together for years.

The things you say bring me heartache and tears.

My mistakes are taken in while I overlook yours.

You don't do anything so I take charge and enforce.

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When you say that you explode too, then what about me?

You looked at someone else the third time so I can't leave you be.

I feel more irrelevant and worthless than I have ever been

Even as you proclaim that it's "nothing" and just a "little" sin.

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It feels I am not worth keeping at all.

My complacency and confidence is starting to fall.

When you said you love me, I thought I am the only one

And that you planned to make an effort to get our dreams done.

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I pray to God about you night and day

So I thought you'd do and feel the same way.

I've had a  lump in my throat even as we're happy through the years.

And when I released it, the reality of what's happening increased my fears.

-

I can't believe that I trusted and loved you the most

And that our relationship was something I used to boast.

Now I'm not sure of what will happen tomorrow

For I can't even get over today's sorrow.

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I'm still uncertain of your love for me

Because of all that's happening currently.

Even though you somehow answered all my questions,

I'm still drowning in doubt and hesitations.

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I too, want the "old us" back.

But my trust for you is no longer intact.

Maybe it's your turn to make the first move for I want to be on a break.

I hope by this time you'll make a steadfast effort for our relationship's sake.

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

July 1, 2019

Sinking Deeper

I know it's temporary - earthly treasures and wealth
But I want them badly that it saps my mental health.
If only these were not the desires of my heart
Maybe I wouldn't be so miserable from the start.
-
The poison I'm fighting with started within,
I still feel empty even when God is filling me in.
I'm envious and angry with the people I know,
Thinking that they have a better tomorrow.
-
Sinking deeper into negative thoughts is all it is for me,
Realizing that I'm not allowed to be happy.
Other people's lives are evidently better than mine
While I'll always have to settle with "bad" or "fine."
-
The usual comparison of lives are already tiring
But that's where my mind is always racing.
God, please help me before I lose my head.
My life would be unfulfilled and I'll be dead.
-
I'm getting tired of praying and waiting.
I'm sorry that it seems to others you are more caring.
Please comfort me again with the promises you have for me.
My glass is full of blessings but it only feels half empty.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
Feb. 25, 2019