Deuteronomy 8:17-18

He did all this so you would never say to yourself, 'I have achieved this wealth with my own strength and energy.' Remember the Lord your God. He is the one who gives you power to be successful, in order to fulfill the covenant he confirmed to your ancestors with an oath.

Who and what am I depending on? My work? My salary? My Job title?

Because of the pandemic, working stopped abruptly. My new job was no more. It was a blessing from God that I prayed for and he granted it. But it was taken away. I never wanted to be vacant in terms of employment that I made certain to resign only when I was confirmed to start with my new work. I did not want to be vacant in terms of receiving salary, it seems.

Now, I have no actual and concrete resources. I kept failing job applications. Money was tight. I even blame myself because I had insufficient finances to provide the medical needs of my pet that eventually lead to his death. I felt like using a lot of my savings should've helped him live, but it didn't.

I couldn't help thinking that maybe I was being punished for my sins. But surely, God is merciful! And that Christ took my sins upon him already.

What is God teaching me in this season of uncertainty and hopelessness?

What I learned from my experiences is that I need to depend on God in all aspects of life. My concerns, my worries, etc. My security isn't in my salary, as evidently experienced now. I pray that God will not abandon me. I truly need him.

Journal entry of May 8, 2021

My Only Sibling

 If only he didn't rely on intoxication

Whenever he couldn't handle a situation.

We're considerate of this "hobby" because he's family

But self-destruction isn't what we want to see.

-

All these years he kept his feelings all bottled up inside

Drowning in alcohol, but I see it as a weakness because of my pride.

A young and foolish self, oblivious to what I have done.

But after exploding now, boom! He's gone.

-

Arguments and quarrels, it all happened before,

Tallying it up as if I'm earning a score.

God knew the guilt was killing me in some of the years.

Now once again, I'm drowning in a sea of tears.

-

At times I  apologized, knowing my own mistake

Because losing him is more than I could take.

Even now he's very wrong, but I'm wiling to forgive and forget.

I don't want our relationship to drift away until death.

-

I'm afraid he'll ruin himself and end in hell someday.

So please Lord, please save him, I say.

Even though he truly and deeply hurt me,

I would rather be at peace because he's family.

-

But now he hates me, I'm no longer his sister.

A little flame that grew and devoured faster.

This time might've burned the bridge to my only sibling.

Please God, let it not be the ending.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 25, 2020

Cracks to shattered glass

Genuine happiness is hard to find
When bad things you did are on my mind.
You kept doing things I said really hurt.
It feels like you're treating me like dirt.
-
I can no longer trust the things you say,
That you suddenly have plans to be together someday.
My trust went from cracks to shattered glass.
When I became difficult,you threw me away like trash.
-
I feel treated less than I deserve
While I loved and cared for you without reserve.
Our shared memories went to flames and dust
All because you kept breaking my trust.
-
Everything I knew and thought about you
Was it all my delusions and none were true?
If only you'll genuinely make up for all the pain I endured
Then maybe someday I can finally be cured.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
Oct. 19, 2019

Chasing air

Dying is easy, it's living that's hard.
Sorrow and suffering is your daily reward.
You keep trying and trying to give your best.
They say that our lives is like a test.
-
But it's different, it's like I'm chasing air.
Happiness kept running away so I met despair.
A good life is only for those who can afford to buy
what they want. Otherwise, they's rather just die.
-
Ah how I envy those who can get what they don't deserve.
I hate this anxious feeling every time I observe
Their rosy lives overflowing with wealth and pleasure.
I used to be like them, I had a bright future.
-
Dear God, I wish I didn't have dreams, really.
It hurts me because they're not my reality.
I'm getting older and I'm still afraid of what lies ahead.
Please help me stop thinking I'm better off dead.
-
Everyday I wake up tired, sad or angry.
My mind has a lot of time to think and worry
But I'm so sorry I keep looking past the daily blessings I receive
I pray that someday, content is what I'll achieve.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
September 6, 2018