Dead inside

There are times that I wish that I just never met you.

Because I’m not sure whether you love me the same way that I do.

As times goes by, I thought I’d be more secure.

But now most nights, my mind is numb from torture.

-

I’m already in hell but I didn’t think I could get dragged further.

My life’s grown so pathetic that I’ve become so bitter.

I’m so tired of taking charge and taking care of everything.

And you don’t even help to inspire me to keep on living.

-

What will happen to us, knowing we’re both dead inside?

Do you think our relationship can easily be cast aside?

If only it’s as easy as shutting down my heart, leaving just my head.

But by then, I’ll probably be as good as dead.

-

God, I wish you’d just spare me from all this pain and shame.

Everyday, in this world, I wish I never came.

Then I wouldn’t always be tired and disappointed over unfulfilled hopes and dreams.

And not meeting him would save me from heart ache, it seems.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Dec. 2, 2023

 

Junior Hell

When will I get out of this junior hell?

I have zero zest for life, I'm sure you can tell.

The people around me seem to take me for granted.

This is never the life I prepared for or wanted.

-

Every day and in everything, I do my best.

But why oh why am I subjected to a difficult test.

In life, I'm trying to achieve the best attainable quality

But despite my efforts, it's still far from my reality.

-

Honestly, these aren't too much to ask of you!

After all, you're the one who brought me into this world too.

I don't think it's bad to ask for what will give me joy.

Surely, I wasn't created to be merely a little toy.

-

I'm so sad, tired and I feel like I've dried up all my tears.

My mind is drowned and devoured by so many fears.

Over the years, I'm losing the hope that I've kept.

This is the kind of life I could never want or accept.

-

I'm still praying, perhaps deep down, I refuse to give up?

I'm still hoping my hardships will be put to a stop.

Lord, please help me work on solutions in any way.

Then maybe I can still feel like living another day.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Apr. 1 2023

 

My Only Sibling

 If only he didn't rely on intoxication

Whenever he couldn't handle a situation.

We're considerate of this "hobby" because he's family

But self-destruction isn't what we want to see.

-

All these years he kept his feelings all bottled up inside

Drowning in alcohol, but I see it as a weakness because of my pride.

A young and foolish self, oblivious to what I have done.

But after exploding now, boom! He's gone.

-

Arguments and quarrels, it all happened before,

Tallying it up as if I'm earning a score.

God knew the guilt was killing me in some of the years.

Now once again, I'm drowning in a sea of tears.

-

At times I  apologized, knowing my own mistake

Because losing him is more than I could take.

Even now he's very wrong, but I'm wiling to forgive and forget.

I don't want our relationship to drift away until death.

-

I'm afraid he'll ruin himself and end in hell someday.

So please Lord, please save him, I say.

Even though he truly and deeply hurt me,

I would rather be at peace because he's family.

-

But now he hates me, I'm no longer his sister.

A little flame that grew and devoured faster.

This time might've burned the bridge to my only sibling.

Please God, let it not be the ending.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 25, 2020

Help

 

God, I give up, I’m leaving the rest to you,

Nothing I’ll ever do is coming through.

Why am I ever born in such a horrible and toxic family?

Then you expect “love your neighbor” from me.

-

A toxic unteachable mother and a deceased father

Who brought death upon himself, what a bother.

Add an overly dramatic, alcoholic-victim-playing brother in the fray.

I dream of peace upon breaking away from all them someday.

-

I find solace in times of my solitude.

Suffering mental health, they’ve given me a multitude.

If only I can afford to live on my own

But it’s impossible even if all my savings are thrown.

-

I don’t know what to do with all this anger and resentment.

I thought it was sleeping and buried under deep cement.

But this demonic family just kept shoveling away,

Triggering me to explode when I tried to keep mum every day.

-

Ever since I was young, all I asked is for a happy family.

Now I want to leave them and make a real one for me.

But if I can’t marry the one I want it with,

Then a family consisting of myself alone is a better fit.

-

Why am I born into such a difficult state?

Please tell me, is this my fate?

Where is it? I beg you, please spare me some grace! I need your grace.

Are you going to kill me? Take my away, I want to see your face.

-

Sometimes, I feel like I just want to end it all.

I can’t even see a good future after all.

Am I only meant for suffering and sorrow?

That gives me no motivation to be alive tomorrow.

-

Why did they have to give birth to me?

Letting me die unborn would’ve been better for me.

Escapism isn’t what I usually promote

But in this case feels like the only antidote.

-

My thoughts and feelings written on paper

But not even that makes me feel better.

I miss the good old boring and neutral times.

Wherein I don’t have to think of sad little rhymes.

-

I emptied myself for now.

Before it all comes back again somehow.

Help me God, I beg you, please take it all away.

I don’t want to keep thinking of taking my own life someday.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 23, 2020

Absence

It feels like it’s better when I’m not around.

Should I disappear and never be found?

Really, I don’t mind, I’m not hurt.

I’m getting used to being treated like dirt.

-

Being away from me, are you thrilled?

Would you be relieved if I was killed?

I don’t know where or what we are anymore.

I lied; everything hurts badly to the core.

-

Could it be that you are already tired of me,

Even when I love and care for you endlessly?

I too, get tired, telling you how I want to be treated.

That in itself, the purpose is defeated.

-

I wish you’d show more love in both word and action

And that you’ll never again lie, even by a fraction.

Because that’s what made it hard to trust you in your absence.

I don’t even know when you will ease me with your presence.

-

Would you miss me if I was actually the one,

Who is absent and even possibly gone?

I keep praying for some comfort and clarification

And never again to drown in this kind of situation.

-

Copyright

Star Ashley Cruz

Jan. 25, 2020

Cracks to shattered glass

Genuine happiness is hard to find
When bad things you did are on my mind.
You kept doing things I said really hurt.
It feels like you're treating me like dirt.
-
I can no longer trust the things you say,
That you suddenly have plans to be together someday.
My trust went from cracks to shattered glass.
When I became difficult,you threw me away like trash.
-
I feel treated less than I deserve
While I loved and cared for you without reserve.
Our shared memories went to flames and dust
All because you kept breaking my trust.
-
Everything I knew and thought about you
Was it all my delusions and none were true?
If only you'll genuinely make up for all the pain I endured
Then maybe someday I can finally be cured.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
Oct. 19, 2019

Today's sorrow (eight stanzas for our eight years)

Are you waiting for me to get tired too?

Because all these years, you have nothing planned to do.

It seems I'm the only one dreaming of forever.

I feel unappreciated but look, we're still together.

-

You push me away as if we're not together for years.

The things you say bring me heartache and tears.

My mistakes are taken in while I overlook yours.

You don't do anything so I take charge and enforce.

-

When you say that you explode too, then what about me?

You looked at someone else the third time so I can't leave you be.

I feel more irrelevant and worthless than I have ever been

Even as you proclaim that it's "nothing" and just a "little" sin.

-

It feels I am not worth keeping at all.

My complacency and confidence is starting to fall.

When you said you love me, I thought I am the only one

And that you planned to make an effort to get our dreams done.

-

I pray to God about you night and day

So I thought you'd do and feel the same way.

I've had a  lump in my throat even as we're happy through the years.

And when I released it, the reality of what's happening increased my fears.

-

I can't believe that I trusted and loved you the most

And that our relationship was something I used to boast.

Now I'm not sure of what will happen tomorrow

For I can't even get over today's sorrow.

-

I'm still uncertain of your love for me

Because of all that's happening currently.

Even though you somehow answered all my questions,

I'm still drowning in doubt and hesitations.

-

I too, want the "old us" back.

But my trust for you is no longer intact.

Maybe it's your turn to make the first move for I want to be on a break.

I hope by this time you'll make a steadfast effort for our relationship's sake.

-

Copyright 

Star Ashley Cruz

July 1, 2019

Sinking Deeper

I know it's temporary - earthly treasures and wealth
But I want them badly that it saps my mental health.
If only these were not the desires of my heart
Maybe I wouldn't be so miserable from the start.
-
The poison I'm fighting with started within,
I still feel empty even when God is filling me in.
I'm envious and angry with the people I know,
Thinking that they have a better tomorrow.
-
Sinking deeper into negative thoughts is all it is for me,
Realizing that I'm not allowed to be happy.
Other people's lives are evidently better than mine
While I'll always have to settle with "bad" or "fine."
-
The usual comparison of lives are already tiring
But that's where my mind is always racing.
God, please help me before I lose my head.
My life would be unfulfilled and I'll be dead.
-
I'm getting tired of praying and waiting.
I'm sorry that it seems to others you are more caring.
Please comfort me again with the promises you have for me.
My glass is full of blessings but it only feels half empty.
-
Copyright
Star Ashley Cruz
Feb. 25, 2019

Itching needs

The people I know are moving ahead
While I'm stuck here thinking I'm better off dead.
It seems there's nothing in store for me.
When will I ever be satisfied and happy?
-
I'm left behind while they got their lives together.
Am I supposed to feel worthless forever?
I'm just an empty shell of nothingness,
Hopelessly pursuing some self-happiness.
-
Am I really not meant for earthly joys?
Because I end up sad in any chance or choice.
I'm selfishly unhappy for other people's success.
My envy and jealousy are in extreme excess.
-
Maybe there was some kind of glitch,
That made my family no longer rich.
That's why I can't afford to buy these itching needs,
And it made me reluctant to do any good deeds.
-
Now I'm really afraid of what lies tomorrow
Because today, I'm already drowning in sorrow.
God, I want to trust the plans you have for me
But all I feel is my depressing melancholy.
-
I receive blessings but there's still a hole in my chest.
My earthly desires just don't give me rest.
It feels like my spirit is constantly torn.
How I wish I was never even born.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
Feb. 24, 2019

Lost again

I have the good and right intention

But I can't execute the action.

I can't seem to do anything right.

Only you can save me from this plight.

-

I'm supposed to be a child of light

But darkness puts up a fight.

I fall so hard and then I drown in my sin.

How come my evil desires always win?

-

I wander from you and now I'm lost again.

I'm no different from what I was then.

I'm losing hope and there's no where to go,

I'm falling way down below.

-

You're the one I'm supposed to worship and adore

But my own desires overpower you more.

Please lead me back to your arms.

Do away all of this world's charms.

-

Once again I want to be more like you.

Please help my prayers come true.

Cleanse my heart from within

And help me flee from the clutches of sin.

-

Copyright Star Ashley Cruz

November 11, 2018

Chasing air

Dying is easy, it's living that's hard.
Sorrow and suffering is your daily reward.
You keep trying and trying to give your best.
They say that our lives is like a test.
-
But it's different, it's like I'm chasing air.
Happiness kept running away so I met despair.
A good life is only for those who can afford to buy
what they want. Otherwise, they's rather just die.
-
Ah how I envy those who can get what they don't deserve.
I hate this anxious feeling every time I observe
Their rosy lives overflowing with wealth and pleasure.
I used to be like them, I had a bright future.
-
Dear God, I wish I didn't have dreams, really.
It hurts me because they're not my reality.
I'm getting older and I'm still afraid of what lies ahead.
Please help me stop thinking I'm better off dead.
-
Everyday I wake up tired, sad or angry.
My mind has a lot of time to think and worry
But I'm so sorry I keep looking past the daily blessings I receive
I pray that someday, content is what I'll achieve.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
September 6, 2018

Inside our shell

Tired from seeing you trying
But you always end up failing.
Your efforts are smaller compared when you procrastinate,
I don't want my love for you to turn into hate.
-
I realize that not everything is your fault,
But I can't help it when we lose our salt.
I keep praying to God day and night,
That somehow we can win life's fight.
-
But now the fight becomes a battle,
Why is it me that life wants to rattle?
It's difficult when it feels like I'm always the one trying harder,
I hate waiting so long and wasting time in fighting each other.
-
I feel like I'm always running out of time each day,
Nothing significant happens in each and every way.
No matter how fast I think and do anything,
I'm still sad over you and everything.
-
I want our future established strongly well,
But our limitations and weakness is inside our shell.
God has put us together but I'm afraid of what the future will hold,
These are the thoughts that I've never told.
-


Copyright


Star Ashley Cruz


June 13, 2018

Abomination

I am worst off than before

I just can’t take it anymore.

I thought I was already redeemed

But I feel so heavy, I have sinned.

-

I want to be more like you

But the opposite is what I do

Am I even really your daughter?

Why am I nothing like God the father?

-

Why is it so easy for me to sin?

Such evil desires come from within.

I’m supposed to be your living testimony

But I can’t, so I drown in melancholy.

-

I thought the old is gone and I’m a new creation

But all the people see is an abomination.

I can’t even disagree with what they say,

I’m so desperate all I can do is pray.

-

At this point my faith is so unsteady.

When will my soul ever be ready?

I’m afraid that someday it’ll be too late for me,

That only death will be my eternity.

-

Copyright Star Ashley Cruz

April 8, 2018

Deep end

I eat hardship for breakfast and then stress for dinner,
Nothing good happens whether you're a saint or sinner.
I used to find any form of inspiration
But nowadays my energy is beyond expiration.
-
My life only gets harder everyday
I'm not encouraged by what other people say.
They don't know anything, they lack so much wisdom
They even live lives far from God's Kingdom.
-
I want to be away from all idiocy and responsibility.
I just want to indulge in everything that makes me happy.
Instead I'm around people and situations that make me sad or mad.
My mind corrupts and I think of doing evil and bad.
-
Daily, I finish my responsibilities in a hurry
Because I despise wasting my precious time and money
Especially on things that really won't benefit my happiness.
Really I know, life resulted my deep selfishness.
-
Sometimes I think it's such a shame, what I've become.
It's not so different to what I would classify as dumb.
Everyday. I always thought that I would be better off dead.
But God keeps saving me from going to the deep end.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
Dec. 24 2017

"What's wrong?"

I don't wanna write you another song,

because it will only feel very wrong.

Flowers and chocolates would be asking too much

And you'll feel pressured and stressed by such.

-

"What's wrong?'' You're always asking,

Aren't you tired of not listening?

All these things for someone you love ,

Must I pray for, beyond the skies above?

-

I thought that you really love me

So giving me what I ask is easy,

But why does it seem like a burden to you,

To make some of my wishes come true?

-

Simple things and requests to make me and you happy,

Is it such a heavy burden to carry?

Things that show how much you love and care,

I wish didn't give you so much scare.

-

I wrote this letter and poem but I didn't feel sorry,

Because I've agonized on the same hundredth apology

But I don't believe that I have done wrong,

Because all I've asked are things to make this relationship strong.

-

I honestly don't know what to do.

Can we ever get our love through?

I wish you'll help me fix all this mess

And not end up loving me less.

-

Now I hope you understand my point of view

And you'll stop being angry at me too.

To prevent everything in us to fall apart,

please give me an answer that will not break my heart.

-

Copyright Star Ashley Cruz

Nov. 22,2014

"Walking Anarchy (Wayward daughter)"

You have driven me down the mud,
I pray for your destruction by my God.
Upon yourselves, you have brought this,
Anarchy, deceit and death in my list.
-
Indeed you have twisted my kindness,
Now I wallow in this very madness.
If only I can shed your blood.
For all the good you've shown is fraud.
-
Die!Die!Die! Let hell swallow you up,
Be in the devil's drinking cup.
Forever you will die in torment and torture
And I drank it all, all of it, the only cure.
-
I want to see your skin ripped apart,
Feed your organs to the dogs and smash your heart,
You and yur family to die infront of your eyes,
For you are filthy, all of you are lies.
-
My Father will forgive me though I have sinned.
He knows everything that he has also seen,
That you are all evil and have fed me,
that same medicine, but I am not worthy.
-
I will be cleansed once again,
I'll be back to my normal self by then.
But all of you would be annihilated by that time
For humiliating me is an unforgivable crime.
-
I am now the walking anarchy,
Only the Christ can ever save me
For I knowHe loves his wayward daughter,
Even at times she loses her laughter.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
November 8 2014

Thoughts inside my head

It's always a surprising mystery

When bad things happen to me.

I know it's normal but I don't understand

Why it always felt like I'm sinking on quicksand.

-

Is life always going to be this way?

Because I feel like dying everyday.

God, I want to know your plans for me

Please shed some light on this mystery.

-

You are perfect so why can't I fully trust you?

I'm selfish and there are things that I'd rather do.

I often don't understand the thoughts inside my head.

This is why I always thought I'm better off dead.

-

I'm so frustrated, can't you just give me everything?

But I'll never be contented, nothing's ever satisfying.

I know some of them are either realistic or insane.

Lord please heal me from this pain.

-

I'm not sure if the enemy is the devil or myself,

That's why I am in desperate need of your help.

Because the solution is always unknown to me

Yet I know it's you and I want it to be.

-

Copyright Star Ashley Cruz

October 28 2017

i miss you reena

Reena Franchesca Cruz 2nd Death anniversary tribute

Faulty little creation

Funny how I used to run away
From anything the Bible has to say.
But now it became my basis for everything
And its promises made my life worth living.
-
This doesn't mean my life is full of perfection,
I am still a faulty little creation.
For sometimes I catch a glimpse of my ghostly past.
My feet gets caught up and I couldn't run fast.
-
Those are the times I couldn't escape from my sin.
Then I realized that they were living from within.
I felt disgusted and ashamed that I wanted to die.
I'll always fall short and sin no matter how hard I try.
-
Angry, because I could not reach my own perfectly created standard.
Frustrated from working hard to get what I want but still ending up haggard.
I give up and cry to God for help with my giant ordeals.
Then comes great comfort and peace, His grace refills.
-
I can never fully understand how he can love someone like me,
Who's an evil, self-centered walking tragedy
Going through the scorching desert heat of life's constant hardships.
But God's the oasis that can hold an entire fleet of ships.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
September 24 2017

On the edge

I think I already have zero drive,
I no longer enjoy being alive.
Everyday I don't feel or see my future
I have no time or money for endless pleasure.
-
People who don't know God are drowning in luxury,
Yet the opposite is what's happening to me.
Inconvenience, acrimony and frustration,
I hope this won't lead me to depression.
-
My mind is always on the edge,
Not to kill anybody is my pledge.
But I'm so tired of pretending to be happy,
It makes me want to stab everybody.
-
I know I'm blessed but I still feel half empty,
For good things are less and the bad is plenty.
Don't leave me God, in my time of need,
In my prayers I need you to heed.
-
Copyright Star Ashley Cruz
August 24 2017